What He Wrote Back To My Return Address

hey,

I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw you wrote to me again even though you didn’t say much. I can’t say I was expecting a letter stuffed with postcards you didn’t want any more of the city I used to call home with nothing more than a sentence about you figuring I’d get more use out of them than you would.  When my sister handed me your letter, she commented how she didn’t know we were still speaking & I wasn’t sure who she was talking about until I saw the familiar shape of your name in the top left corner of the envelope. My stomach dropped. I had no idea I’d ever hear from you again since I was sure you didn’t want to hear from me. It never crossed my mind that I could still be crossing yours.

We both know there’s too much for me to say to you, but I thought it was about time I’d try. So I’m starting with a letter to your return address & I’m hoping for the best. I just feel like after nearly a year of radio silence I should say something. It’s been such a long time since we had an actual conversation & it’s been even longer since we’ve seen each other. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out why, but I don’t know if I want to know the reason. I still haven’t gotten used to not seeing you around, life has been weird without you here.

I’ve overthought you quite a bit these last few months & I always imagined saying sorry for just about everything, but now that I’m here, I don’t think I will. I thought I’d apologize for leaving, but I’m forcing myself to believe it was for the best in more ways than one. Do you remember when I first started talking about living in other cities & starting a new life? When I decided I wanted to reinvent the person I became? I’m still so surprised you didn’t fight me about it. You never even asked me to stay. Why did you always want what was best for me, even when it hurt you? Did you genuinely want me to leave or did you just want me to believe that because it always hurts less that way? I thought moving on would mean I’d meet more people who were on the same page as me, more people who understood all my angles exactly as you did. But I didn’t. I haven’t met anyone like you at all.

I guess I just didn’t want to believe what we had was special, so I didn’t. I was so young & you were even younger. But the more & more time that passes, the more I’m starting to see just how special all of it was. More than special? I’m not sure. I just can’t believe, after all this time, I’m still thinking of you. Doesn’t that have to mean something?

I just think, above everything, I miss you. I miss calling you after I’ve had a few beers on Saturday nights & I miss asking you about your day. I miss all the mornings we drove to get bagels & every movie we saw on discount day. I miss getting to sit in front of you even when we sat in silence while you were making graphics & I was writing plays. I even miss getting all the Snapchats of you singing in your car & when you’d visit me at work just to eat my lunch & leave. I still think of you whenever I eat apples & peanut butter. 

I always catch myself wondering if you miss it all, too, but I’m starting to think the girl I loved no longer exists. I heard you stopped drinking & I heard you’ve started a new job you like, that your dreams are much different & much bigger now. I’ve never been able to bring myself to ask you about any of it, but I wish I could. I’m sure you could say a lot. Everything I see about your life makes me feel like I don’t know you anymore. Even your smile looks different—you just seem like a different person. Do you remember getting drunk & making cupcakes on Valentine’s Day? Do you think we’ll ever get to do something like that again? Would you even want to?

Do you remember the constellations in September & the flower fields in April? I still can’t see a daisy without thinking of you. Do you remember how many I put in your hair & the way the wind swept them all out? Getting so much dirt in our eyes we couldn’t see? I still have all my polaroids of you. Do you remember our road trip & driving through the snowy redwoods? When you fell asleep in my sweatshirt while I drove us through Idaho? I still can’t help but smile when I think of eating Oreo McFlurry’s with you on the gas station curb.

It’s so strange not being in your life anymore. I never thought we’d get here after so much talk about forever. In October you posted “I’m happier now & I don’t even care if you see”—was that about me? I’ve almost muted your Instagram a few times, sometimes I can’t bring myself to click on your stories. I just can’t believe how much you seem to love your life without me in it. How can I not miss being a part of that?

Sometimes I catch myself thinking about the day I left; you cried so hard your eyes turned red & I held you in my arms & I told you we’d be fine. You didn’t believe it & I got upset you didn’t have faith in us anymore even though a part of me didn’t either. Things had been so hard for so long, but I thought we could still be friends. You said you knew I didn’t love you anymore even though I hadn’t admitted it yet. I had known you felt me pulling away for a while, but I thought that would make leaving easier. It didn’t.

I worked up the courage to ask some of our mutual friends how you are & they didn’t say much. I wasn’t sure what that meant. I never know what about you people are hiding from me, but I have an idea.

I know you met someone new, I know you’re writing about new guys. I can tell because I can’t find myself in your words anymore. I scroll through your writings trying to find pieces of us, but I’m starting to think I don’t exist at all in those spaces. I can’t believe how much I miss being a part of that, how much I miss your words & the ones you used to write about me. You used to capture us perfectly—in ways I couldn’t ever seem to do. Do you think you’d ever write about us again? Or are you caught up in whatever you’re doing now? It’s hard for me to think about you in someone else’s passenger seat.

I wish I knew exactly what went wrong, but I’m getting used to the fact something on your end did & it was big enough to warrant building a wall between us. All I know is that I called you drunk one night & for the first time you didn’t pick up. You didn’t even call me back. I waited a week until I figured you weren’t just busy, you probably wouldn’t call me back at all. & when you didn’t wish me a happy birthday, I figured something was wrong

I hope you find the love I have for you with someone else & I hope you find everything you need. I can’t believe you ever thought you wouldn’t be okay without me. I knew from the beginning you would be & you so obviously are. I don’t think you’ll ever stop growing, no matter what happens in your life. I’m starting to think you would’ve been better off without me the entire time—I am starting to think you didn’t need me at all.

I don’t think it’s a secret that you’re probably doing better than I am. In my most selfish moments, I wish it was different, I wish you weren’t better off while I’m sitting here worse than ever. 

A few months ago I met someone whose heart immediately reminded me of yours, I thought I’d found someone comparable to you. But more than anything, she made me miss you & wish I was anywhere but here. I don’t know what you’ve heard about me recently or if you even care, but my life is better with you & I hope one day that you want to be in it again.

All I know is…I really messed it up with you.

yours,

[redacted]