Unwavering love

SOULMATES, INSECURITIES, & SERVING OTHERS

I have always wanted to believe in the idea of soulmates. As a young girl, I believed that there was one perfect person, a boy, out there for me and that one day I would find him and subsequently live happily ever after. Not only would he be everything I wanted and more, but I would also be everything he wanted, too. At the end of the day, no matter how hard my day was or how unhappy I felt, I would always have my soulmate to love me.

But then I grew up. It is hard not to put life into perspective the more you start to understand it—or think you understand it. There are 7.5 billion people on our earth—I do not believe that there is a single person, a boy, who can serve me better than anyone else can. I am so much more complex than that; I was not built for someone else and no one was built for me. Along with everyone else, I am everchanging. It does not make sense to me that there could be one person out there more perfect for me than anyone else if mutually beneficial relationships are about compromise anyway (I am sure that I could have made my relationship with my ex-boyfriend work if we agreed to work harder and I am sure I would have never fallen out of love with the boy from Michigan if he was not so far away. I believe that we can make things perfect for us under the right circumstances. We can always choose love). There is not a single person I’ve met that brings out all of my best qualities & I will never do that for anyone else. Our lives are so much more fluid than that. A boyfriend cannot give me what a best girl-friend can and my best girl-friends cannot give me what a boyfriend can. There is no person who can serve me in every way I desire to be served, I do not have a singular soulmate.

However, after growing up just a little bit more, I let my definition of soulmates grow, too. During my time journeying on earth, I have met a few people that I feel an indescribable connection to. And they do not fall into a particular category, they do not even have one particular thing in common other than the fact that I feel a connection to them. They have grown up in different states, I have met them in different seasons of my life, and they are all their own before they are mine. They are not all Christian, not all one gender, and do not all play an active role in my life at this particular moment. However, I feel deep connections to all of them.

I met Mahalah through a mutual friend in high school, I met Aisea at a picnic table the day before classes started our freshman year of college, and I met Lydia because she was placed on the Ignacio Companions trip to Cambodia I was leading. I met Nüll when we were in Girl Scouts together before he was even Nüll at all. I met Cambria in a class, Kristen & Vanessa during a scripture study in a conference room, and Anthony and Lexi through Sorority & Fraternity Life. However, it was Anthony who really helped frame my idea of what a soulmate could be and how being soulmates is not even enough.

It is an incredibly long story, but when I first saw Anthony, I was overcome by powerful emotions. I could not shake the thought that he was going to be really important to me. I have never been sure about love at first sight, but if it is real, that is the closest thing I might ever feel to it. Even though I had a boyfriend at the time, who I loved, I suddenly felt deeply for this boy I did not know and who did not know me at all.

I got to know Anthony slowly once school started after spending a summer apart. After immediately connecting over our faith and our similar interests, I found myself completely convinced that he was my soulmate. Over the course of our friendship, there were too many contingencies to ignore. I could have written novels on the galaxies in my heart that existed for him. And no matter how hard I tried to get away from him, I always felt like God led me right back to the guy who was affectionately called sweet nicknames.

But after a few heartbreaks, plane rides, and a note that got no response, Anthony is no longer playing an active role in my life. I am sure this boy I admired and I could have had something great if we let ourselves, but c'est la vie. When I write about him, I intentionally illustrate my side of things only; I simply do not have the authority to claim or dictate the way he felt or did not feel about me. We move on, hearts get broken.

Now that I am without him, I am overwhelmed with my individuality again. I did not realize it before, but so much of my life was curated around him and my desire of wanting to be with him. Not only that, I was so insecure about wanting to be perfect that it took over my life. I maintained friendships with people who did not care about me simply because he was friends with them and I even dated someone I did not like in spite of him. He took over so much of my brain space because I was fixated on the idea that our connection was so rooted in something greater that I let it blind me. When he would affirm me, I would ride that high and hold onto that feeling despite the signs that pointed me to let him go. I do not think anyone has made me feel so insecure in my entire life, I let my belief that we were soulmates and others’ belief that we were meant for each other rule over me to the point where it became unhealthy. It feels silly to write about a boy I once loved and still hold love for, but through him, I realized so much about myself that I do not think I would have otherwise. Now that I am without him, I have realized that while I always claimed that I was rooted in Christ, I was rooting myself in Anthony, too.

Before I circle back to rooting myself in Christ, I want to continue to talk about insecurity. This past summer I started an Instagram account specifically for my blog. My third personal account on the app. A safe space where I could post my unfiltered thoughts publicly for an audience who could potentially care. My blog account was fun for a little while, but I quickly started questioning why I felt like I had to have an account dedicated to a more authentic version of who I am. Why did I need a third Instagram account to post on—why did not I feel comfortable posting about it on my private account for close friends or on my main, public account?

After sitting with those thoughts for a few days, I realized that it is because I am insecure. I always said that I did not want to subject people to content that they did not sign up for, but I believe that those words are code for “I do not want random people from high school, people I have met briefly, or cute boys I want to like me to judge me”. I also realized that I only like being vulnerable on my own, specific terms because otherwise, I want people to think I am perfect (or at least close to it). But I am not perfect. I am insecure and flawed just like everyone else. There is a Messiah and it is not me.

There was a weekend this semester where I decided to post all of my long, unfiltered posts from my private Instagram onto my blog under a new section called “entries”. I wanted to start working on being myself in all aspects of my life, never selectively. I do not like that I feel like one person when I am around certain people and a different person when I am around others and I think having multiple Instagram accounts and sometimes limiting the way I talk about my faith online perpetuates that. I find myself longing for the sweet spot of being vulnerable online, but also trying to figure out who I really am without outside influences (especially boys).

While I used to strive for perfection, I now strive for connection. I do not want people to look at me and put me on a pedestal, for I am no better (and no worse) than them. I believe that my reason for being is to simply be. I am a human being, not a human doing. I used to be overwhelmed with a desire to be unattainable. I wanted everyone to look at me and think, “I could never do everything that she does”. I wanted to be untouchable and idolized, but now I want to be relatable. I want people to look at me and know that I stand with them and for them, not ever above them. I would love to be the type of person that radiates faith, spirituality, and soulfulness. I want people to know that I have struggled, that I continue to struggle, and that they are not alone when they do, too. I feel pretty open about the fact that I have depression, but sometimes I forget that it is not something people would immediately assume about me and that I usually have to explicitly say it to someone in order for them to know. However, even in my worst depressive episodes, I am a sad bird who sings.

I make sure to constantly remind myself that I need to remain present, that I am alive, and that I should always be loving, caring, compassionate, and generous. I am so grateful and I want everyone to know that. It would be the greatest honor to be the reason that someone believes in the goodness of people. A quote by Saint Francis de Sales I heard recently that really resonated with me is, “Nothing is so strong as gentleness, nothing so gentle as real strength.”

I started this school year (my senior year) with an idea of how it was going to go, but God quickly uprooted my plans and let me down this path closer to Him. I stopped drinking, joined another church, and truly consented to God’s healing action in the all of my life. God brought me new friends, a newfound sense of security in myself, and a whole lot of love. After years of trying to be something to someone, I now am more confident than ever that I am something to God, which is all that matters to me. I am so beloved by God. He finds me in traffic lights, in the leaves that fall in University Hall, and checking the time at 3:16 PM more often than not.

No one will ever serve me like Christ has served me in my four years as a Christian. At the end of the day, I am always alone with God. I have come to realize that being alone and feeling alone are very different, but I rarely feel alone. I live in companionship with Jesus. It is very funny to me that I somehow forgot that I am the love of my life, I do not exist for others. Part of my existence may be to serve others, but I am myself before I am a servant. I cannot properly serve anyone without serving myself first.

I texted five of my friends “I honor the divine in you” after the welcoming prayer one morning. Three of my friends immediately said it back in a beautiful, unquestioning way, but one of my friends responded, “you honor the what in me?”.

I was surprised that he did not say it back, but I was not sure if the surprise was pleasant or fueled by disappointment. I simply responded, “I honor the divine in you. I recognize that you are a full person who is connected to the world in ways I am unable to comprehend and that you are always more than I can see”. I hope I will always remember that, that everyone is far more than I can see.

My mission in life is to radiate unwavering love. But beyond that, by radiating unwavering love & gratitude, I want to create space for grace that others may be enkindled in their authentic selves. God created one of me and one of you, we should be those people.