I am

a poem

I am black hair dye & red tattoos

the smudge of concealer on the right side of my driver’s seat

& the four boxes of pasta in the back of my pantry

I am a half-empty decaf iced oat milk vanilla latte

& the condensation that drips onto a coaster

five expired urban decay eyeshadow palettes

the friend who loves you but will take five days to text back

it’s not you, it’s me

I am hip bones tilted in opposite directions, the scoliosis in my shoulders,

the curve in my nose

things about me people rarely notice until I point them out

but nothing I can ignore

I am…thinking

I’ve been reading old messages & emails with a new lens

coming to terms with who I was when I was nineteen

& trying to forgive myself for being so naive

I hope I never feel this way about who I’ve been again

I am…experiencing

what it’s like to rarely sleep through the night

an unconditional love that stares back at me

life…slowly

I am 300 mg of bupropion every morning & the headaches that come with it

in addition to the loss of appetite & accidentally staying up until 4 am

since I don’t tend to notice when I’m tired anymore

can you believe this is where we are now?

it didn’t have to take this long

I am an empty wine glass catching dust in the cabinet

the Hussong’s Reposado tequila in the pantry,

the 2019 Sterling Vineyards Malvasia Bianca sitting on my dresser,

& a bottle of vodka in the freezer only opened for spicy rigatoni

I am returning back to myself

after feeling unrecognizable to no one other than me for a while now

I didn’t ask anyone if they would agree but I’m assuming they wouldn’t

but I’m not convinced it’s completely unnoticed

I am confining myself to the present moment

because the future feels equally as far as it feels close

because thinking about how who I am now will impact who I am then is...scaring me daily

because no one mentioned you can still feel like a kid in your mid-twenties

beecaaauuusseeee

I am pantone 17-0215, a tight tank top, & twenty pairs of jeans

get away by lany & psycho by the wldlfe on repeat alllllll year long

& a delivery or two from abercrombie

I am a 96º room, heel-to-arch alignment, reaching my arms in opposition

trying not to pick my body apart in the mirror I’m facing, forgetting to breathe

maintaining the bend in my front knee & feeling out of place

I am the friend who will drive,

constantly reevaluating my expectations,

& probably dehydrated

I am

apparently

not worth losing,

good company,

& worth calling