did i mention i’m not a jerk?

(I wrote this August 31, 2020)

Maybe this is what he would say if he wrote words instead of drawing pictures?

I resisted the urge to text you about how many words were in the bible because I knew you were mad at me & you had every right to be. You told me in November you didn’t want to kiss me, but I still kissed you in December. You told me in January you didn’t want to be my girlfriend, but we still spent Valentine’s Day slow dancing in my kitchen. I begged you to come to my house party—you make all the difference—even though I had been to another girl’s party just hours before. I made you cry on your grandma’s birthday because I thought I was letting you down easily when really I wasn’t letting you down at all. You took me home in March for your brother’s birthday & I acted like your boyfriend the whole time because that’s what we always do, it’s fun, even though I knew you didn’t think it was fun anymore. You thought we had a really great talk at the bar, maybe things were starting to look up for our friendship, but I still asked you if you wanted to stop by the party my side chick was at on the way home because I wasn’t thinking about how that would make you feel. I wasn’t thinking about anyone other than myself.

Whenever you would try to distance yourself from me, I would get insecure & clingy, I could never let you let this go. I just need you in my life, Lizzie. I need you more than you need me. When you wouldn’t respond I’d double text you & whenever you’d feel far away I would just say I miss you because I knew it would mean something to you. You’re all about words. Words of affirmation, right? You had every right to be mad. In March you were hanging out with one of my roommates & were ignoring me in my own house, so I intentionally tried to be next to you as much as I could so you knew I still cared about you. Even though when you asked me to drop the book I said you’d like at your house I reminded you we’re in the middle of a pandemic & then went to some other girl’s house instead. You called me out for being a jerk when I did that & you were right, I was being a jerk. I don’t want to be a jerk, especially not to you, but I am sometimes because, again, I think about myself the most. I care about how I’m feeling, not always how you’re feeling. Well, it’s not that I don’t care, it’s more so I don’t think about it at all. Is that worse? When you ask me “how are you?” I’ll answer, but I rarely ask you back. & truthfully, I don’t even notice half the time. You have every right to be mad about that, too. You told me in April that you wish you loved me & I said it back, but we each said what we said for different reasons. You said you wish you loved me because that would mean you’d finally give in to your feelings & let yourself feel, but I said it because I want the attention. I want you to love me because I want to be loved. It doesn’t matter if it hurts you in the process. I guess you can be mad about that, too. But it’s not all bad, right? You’d laugh at the jokes I’d make over FaceTime, we’d FaceTime every Sunday after church. We’re church friends. That means something, right? You’re the only person who thinks what I think. Remember when I compared you to my best friend from home? That was special. That felt like a significant moment. We’re not supposed to do faith alone & I want to do it with you. I just don’t want to be your boyfriend because all girls do is distract me from my art. It’s work or relationships, right? Well, I mean that’s what I think I feel. In reality, I always have a girl around because I like the attention & the companionship. Also the physical stuff. But I don’t ever want them to be my girlfriend. Do you know my friend Christly? He’s given me a lot of good advice about girls. I never take it, but I talk about it a lot. I lie to myself a lot. & I know I do that because I draw it out all the time.

When I was dating my ex-girlfriend, I wouldn’t even look at other girls. I was just waiting for her to text me back. She was my world, but she broke up with me because of the distance. She was in Michigan. Remember when she asked if we were going to start dating & I said we were “kinda friends”? That was crazy. What does “kinda friends” even mean? After we broke up I focused on my art & I accomplished a lot, so I knew girls were just distractions. Did you see the float I made that summer? I don’t need girls. Well, that’s actually just what I say. I obviously need them since I always have one around & they usually overlap. & I mean, it’s obvious, right? I’ve kept you around this whole time even though I’m definitely dating this other girl & was hooking up with a different girl when I hooked up with you. I mean, that other girl isn’t my girlfriend, but we spend days on end with each other & I spend every moment I can talking to her. Usually, when I hand you my phone I get a text from her. I’ve met her family & visited her in her hometown (twice) after I told you I was pretty sure it was over between her & me. But she’s not my girlfriend. She’s not Christian, our lives are just so different, you know? She drinks & does drugs. I don’t do those things at all.  Neither do you & you’re Christian, so it’s like when both of you are around she’s my physical girlfriend & you’re my emotional & spiritual girlfriend. But neither of you are my girlfriend. That’s the important part. It’s actually really nice for me because I get everything I want. But neither of you actually get what you want because she, I guess, lives in oblivion & you seem mostly okay with what we have going on even though you bring up all the time about how much you hate being “friends” with me. You even wrote a whole essay about it for your magazine (which I totally support, by the way. I love it when you write about me because it’s about me. & I am, obviously, all about myself). Can I write a forward for your print version? You don’t want to be in the space between friends & something more with me, but since I keep you there, you can be mad. I know how much you hate it when our pastor’s wife calls you my girlfriend even though you’re not. I get how that would be annoying. I guess you can be mad about that, too.

I was reading a book the other day, it reminded me of you. I like giving you books because it feels like it means something. That’s always why I do what I do. There’s always a reason, right? Like when I ask you to come into my room or go on a walk outside because I want to be alone with you. Or when I pretend I left something in the back of my truck & ask you to come outside with me because I know that means we can just sit there & talk without my roommates around. I like just sitting & talking with you. We could talk forever. I tell you all the time. But we don’t have time to talk forever, so we don’t. Sometimes after church, we’ll stand by our cars & just talk. It’s nice. I like standing & talking with you after church. Church is so great with you. I wish we didn’t have to sit socially distanced so we could sit next to each other & I could whisper to you or try to read what you’re journaling about. But you haven’t been journaling at church recently. Actually, you did last week for the first time in 2 months. That was cool, that’s the Lizzie I know. But I know you were journaling because you were sad.

You’ve been sad recently & I know it’s my fault. I’m not trying to be a jerk & don’t want to be, so if I pretend like I’m not being a jerk, I can live in my own silly, selfish bubble of positivity. It’s so good when I pretend like nothing’s wrong because you’ll usually start pretending like nothing’s wrong, too. Sometimes I hurt you, but I don’t have to say sorry. You always seem to forgive me anyway. It’s so nice when you forgive me.

But back to you being sad on Sunday. I know it’s because you’ve been asking me since February to be honest with you about this other girl I keep around. You keep asking me to be normal because when I’m not normal about it you feel like I’m hiding something (I am). But I never listen to you because I, again, only think about myself. I’m not thinking about how much it hurts you, I think about how it benefits me. I would never think about how uncomfortable you’d feel after hanging out with me for five hours when she walks in my front door or how uncomfortable you feel when I forget to mention she’s in town. Or how much it hurts you when I’m with her & I tell you I miss you (because it’s the truth) even though you don’t want to hear it. I don’t think about how it would make you feel when I’m visiting her in her hometown & decide to FaceTime you because I’m sad. I don’t think about how I treat you like you’re second to her even though I’ve said she’s nothing compared to you.

But that’s just the thing. She isn’t you, Lizzie. & I don’t want her to be you. I want her to be her & I want you to be you. & I want both of you in my life & I want you to be okay with it even though you, & all your friends, think it’s really weird. Remember when she called you my best friend? That was so weird. I mean, we are best friends. That’s what we tell ourselves & other people when they ask. But when she said it? That was so weird. & I know you think that’s not okay because if we were really “just friends” it wouldn’t be weird if anyone said it, but again, we’re not just friends. I mean, there’s a reason why I do the things that I do. There’s a reason why I want you around in a capacity that feels more than friends even though I know it hurts you. & the reason is that I’m selfish. Neither of you are perfect, so I just pick & choose the best things about each of you & get to live in a world where so many girls are obsessed with me & I can do no wrong because I’m not a jerk. Did I tell you about that other girl who started texting me again? She’s still obsessed with me, too. & I’m not a jerk because I don’t have a girlfriend even though I treat multiple girls like my girlfriend & expect them to act like my girlfriend. Remember when I held your hand in Target? That was so much fun. But again, you’re not my girlfriend & I’m not your boyfriend. & I’m not a jerk because I didn’t promise you anything & I said at the beginning that I didn’t want a relationship. I’m not a jerk because I said those things specifically, everything else I also said doesn’t matter. Did I mention how I’m not a jerk?

Anyway, I know you’re mad at me. & I know it’s because she came into town & instead of telling you like you’ve asked me to so many times, I kept secrets. Wouldn’t it be weird if I was straight up with you like you’ve been asking this whole time? You said it would be so much easier on you, but I’m not sure. I don’t think I want to be honest or straight up with you. It was so crazy on Friday when you called me out on my bullshit, I just pretended like nothing was wrong. I’m not a jerk, Lizzie. We’re just friends even though a week & a half ago we sat in the back of my truck & you told me you still felt like we were in the place you didn’t want to be in. A week & a half ago you told me you weren’t over me yet, but I didn’t think about how much that would suck for you because, again, I love how girls are obsessed with me & I love how you are obsessed with me.

Anyway, back to Friday night. I knew things were wrong when you didn’t text me back (you always do) & then when I had to double-text you later just to get you to respond to me. I knew it was wrong when you ignored me after church until you couldn’t anymore. I don’t want you to be mad at me, so I started asking you questions & showing you pictures of my dog even though you made a point to not engage with me as much as I was engaging with you. I knew things were wrong when you told me you were sad & had taken the notes you said you had written me out of the book I gave you because you said I didn’t deserve your sweetness. You’re right, I don’t deserve it. You’re too nice to me & I remind you of that all the time. But I like how nice you are because then I can take advantage of you. & you know I do, but you just let it happen because you love me. Which is exactly how I want it. I want you to love me even though you don’t want to. But remember, it’s what I want. I care about how I feel. I only care about how you feel when you’re mad at me because then I feel like a jerk & I have to remind you that I’m not a jerk even though we both know I am. So, I guess you have every right to be mad. Because I am a jerk. & you’ve been telling me for months how you want things to change, but they never do. Because it doesn’t matter what you want, it matters what I want. But don’t get it twisted, I don’t want you. I’ll act like I do, but I don’t want you. It’s not you, Lizzie. & it hasn’t been you this whole time.