actually, I am like other girls 

can you call this a poem?

i got pilates socks on tiktok shop. i think about my teenage self & feel bad for how much she held on her shoulders without the ability to put any of it down. sometimes i look in the mirror & like myself & sometimes i don’t. i went to the chamberlain coffee shop the week it opened to get the salted pistachio matcha, loved it, & posted about it on my instagram story. i’ve had crushes that became so all-consuming i lost pieces of myself on the way down. hot yoga makes me feel better & i hate that sometimes. i don’t always want to feel better—there’s a strange comfort is wallowing in self-pity & rotting in bed on occasion. i find community with drunk girls in bathrooms & i miss everyone i’ve ever met & call everyone i know a friend regardless of how well we know each other. i have a hard time celebrating my accomplishments because, to me, it was my obligation to achieve them. i can’t help but dance when i hear pink pony club & was really sad when i found out liam payne died. sometimes i ask myself if i want to be in love or if i want proof i’m lovable. i yearn for the perfect foundation. little women is my second favorite movie because the display of sisterhood & girlhood is so comforting to me it makes me feel like i’m at home in myself. & also because the scene with jo & laurie wrecks me on a spiritual level & sometimes i want to feel emotionally wrecked. my first favorite movie is a true crime documentary! i’ve driven to the beach for an instagram picture & made my friend take 100 until i got the perfect one. i sometimes feel insecure about the wrinkles i can see forming on my face until i remember it’s a privilege to age & means i’m looking more & more like the version of my mom i grew up with. i love my mom deeper than anything—i hope i don’t become her. i like seeing butterflies flutter around. my mejuri ring is my favorite. my relationship with my dad is complicated because men love the idea of raising independent, strong women but hate the fact it means they created an independent, strong woman who will stand up for herself & not accept disrespect when it’s thrown in her face & will question their actions in ways that force them to look at themselves in a mirror. i learned at a young age that men don’t like looking at themselves in the mirror. i’m not a stranger to picking my body apart & i’m not sure i’ll ever grow out of it. my life is always changing. i enjoy a long walk in the sun with an iced coffee in hand. whenever i see an old couple, i wonder how many times they’ve forgiven each other. my favorite color is sage green. my notes app is a kaleidoscope of thoughts: reflections of who i am, who i’ve been, & my most recent grocery list. i’m really great at parallel parking until the moment it matters. i tried to oil train my hair, but got sick of it after a few months so now i’m back to washing it every other day. i’ve considered going lighter, going darker, bangs, extensions, chopping it all off, growing it out. i dream of someone divinely written for me—fluent in all my love languages. then i get pissed off i haven’t met them yet. i’ve accepted breadcrumbs for love & then gotten mad at myself for doing so. sometimes i say things i don’t mean. i’ve redirected anger at a man towards another woman because i didn’t know better. i really, really love my friends. i think about how someday i’ll have to live life without my cat & cry. & then i think about how there’s a chance he could live life without me & i cry even harder. i believed a man when he told me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me even though he didn’t even believe it himself! i don’t just like your instagram story, i LOVE it. & i love you. i feel deeply connected to versions of myself i’ve been & remember how big and scary the world has felt & how my heart has always been filled up with every possible emotion & at times my anger has felt so much bigger than me. i wish i could hug seven year old me. there’s a person on the other side of the country who i occasionally flirt with & joke about marrying (we’ve never met in person). i love grocery stores. i believe a dip in the pacific ocean can heal me on any given day. i cried watching my best friend walk down the aisle to her best friend. if i have feelings for you i’ll make you guess which type. i didn’t come this far just to come this far. &, most importantly, when i say i’m getting back in touch with my roots i really just mean i’m going to put more effort into looking hot