installment 6: pieces of me

a text from me, about me

For someone who writes about herself a lot—I really don’t like writing about me’s.

Hi, I’m Elizabeth (you can call me whatever you want, I don;t really care), & this are “Pieces of Me”. I’m a 22-year-old Loyola Marymount University alumni & a few other things, too. In college I majored in Journalism—I love to write, keeping up with current events, & social justice/the truth. While I loved my program, I usually tell people I was a creative nonfiction major with an emphasis in multimedia. It feels more accurate to what I actually studied.

I was born in Santa Monica, but I grew up in La Cañada, CA. I am a third generation Angeleno…& I guess I like it here? I go back & forth. I think I have a big move in my future.

I feel like a pretty straight forward, predictable, & normal person. I’m addicted to caffeine, love In-N-Out, & I’m obsessed with Trader Joe’s, but growing up I was often told I'm "unique" (my least favorite word) and "out of the box". When I was a kid this was one of my biggest insecurities. I hated feeling like I didn’t fit in or I was “different” than other people, but the older I’ve gotten the more I’ve come to understand how embracing my individuality only has benefits & it has truly been one of the greatest blessings in my life. There’s something really amazing about being completely different from who people expect you to be. If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard “I’ve never met anyone like you”…I would have many dollars.

In addition to everything mentioned previously, I’m a huge fan of dark chocolate (the darker the better), pop punk music, & watching documentaries (Dear Zachary is my favorite). I’m a sucker for shows like Criminal Minds, The Ted Bundy Tapes, & anything related to conspiracy theories or murder (yes, I listen to the My Favorite Murder podcast). While I love true crime, I rarely go without watching The Philip DeFranco Show or Saturday Night Live.

I like to spend my free time with my friends, writing, journaling, doing “blog things” (hello, Everyday Feelings), practicing photography, or updating my various Instagram accounts. While those are typically my go-to activities, I usually just let life happen to me. I’m not entirely spontaneous, but I say “yes” a lot. I love life’s adventures (I just don’t always plan them).

However, even after all of this, the biggest & most important part of my life is my faith.  My faith is not even a part of my life, it simply is my life. As of April 20, 2019, I’m a confirmed member of the Catholic Church. I didn’t grow up with God, I was an atheist from twelve to eighteen. I became Christian because one of my sweet, sweet friends started a bible study my senior year of high school & after about six months, I started to actually believe in it. Four years later, after a wild ride through bible studies, churches, & retreats, I am absolutely guided by God. While I was not expecting to ever commit to a certain denomination, God led me to Catholicism. While I go to mass every Sunday night, I still go to a non-denominational Christian church on Sunday mornings, too. I like the mix of it all. It’s all good, it’s all love.

I know God, I do not just know about Him. I build my life on the foundation of God’s love & as a result of that, I have a deep understanding of who I am, what I want, and what I believe in. My faith is deep because I know how dark life is without it, I have seen the contrast.

My deepest desire is bring goodness to the world. I never thought I would end up where I am now, but nothing will ever compare to a life like this.

A MEMORY & WHY I WRITE

One of my least favorite childhood memories goes as follows: I was in the 2nd grade & we were getting our report cards. My amazing & inspiring second-grade teacher, Ms. Pruden (who I am still friends with on Facebook), started praising our class. “You all are so smart! I only had to give out one ‘1’ this quarter, I usually give out more! I am so proud of your class”.

I was beaming. I was smart!

Not only was I smart, but I was so smart that I immediately knew who got the 1 on their report card. It was Ian. He was..different. He always stood up when he asked questions & talked funny. Different was weird & different was wrong, so I knew he got the 1.

I got home that day & opened my report card. I was excited to maybe see a 4 this quarter, not only 3’s like I always got. I unfolded my report card & immediately saw the 1. It was me, I was the only kid who got the failing grade. Not only was I an awful speller, I was officially the stupidest girl, & kid, in my second-grade class. My confidence was crushed—it became nonexistent.

This lead to a seven-year streak of avoiding everything English related. I successfully got a D in Language Arts in sixth grade, got out the first round in every spelling bee, refused to be “the writer” for any group project, absolutely could not retain any grammar rules, & had consistent panic attacks about essays. English was the bane of my existence. Even after I started going to after school tutoring, nothing got better.

Until ninth grade. My English teacher, a Loyola Marymount University alumni, somehow changed everything. I got an A in English both semesters my freshman year of high school despite getting straight C’s the year before & didn’t hate every moment of her class. Something switched in my brain. I ended up taking Honors English in tenth grade, AP English Language Composition in the eleventh, & AP English Literature my senior year. I majored in Journalism, started a blog when I was 17, & write for a few different outlets. I used to doodle pictures on the sides of my class notes, but now I doodle words. I have a feeling my reason for writing so much is because I need to catch up on years & years of missing out.

I write because a lot goes on in my head that I need to make sense of & my method of doing so is spelling it out. Writing is my way of making sense of the world. I like the challenge of seeing if I can put words to the complexities I feel. I love the quote “writing things down helps us see what we are living”, how beautiful it is to see what we live.

Even when I do not feel like typing my heart out, I am writing down ideas for writings for the future. Whether it is an existential crisis, random happenstance, or testimonial; I like to write it all. I will write anywhere & everywhere & about pretty much everything. I am obsessed with it.

While I do prefer quality over quantity, I often find myself with more words that I can type. I am really grateful I have people in my life who care enough to read my words & outlets I feel like I can be myself in. I always try to be authentic. I do not want to feel influenced by others or feel like I have to fit into a box when it comes to my voice. It’s hard to be inauthentic in this medium (& if it isn’t for you, that’s terrifying).

Ultimately—I am excited to see where writing takes me & where I take my writing.

hey eza,

Hey Eza,

Your name is Lizzie now…it’s a long story. Prom is in a week. You’re gonna spiral when you realize you spent fourteen months of your life planning a four-hour event, but don’t get too existential. It helps put life into perspective. & I know you have a crush on Jack right now, but he’s gay. I’m sorry to break it to you, but there will be other boys. Quite a few more J names, actually.

Senior year is going to start & it’s gonna suck. Like, start therapy suck. Robert is going to pass away & you’re not gonna be okay, but someday you’re going to think of him & smile instead of cry. Walking by his old house will get easier with time. I hate to say this, but you’re going to lose Zuko soon after. Your last year of high school will have some good moments, but it’ll be tough.

Pepperdine accepts you, but you won’t go. I know that seems insane right now, but you won’t regret it for a moment. In a few months, Mr. V is gonna tell you to start a blog & it’s going to change everything, so don’t stop writing. Write more, actually. Write as much as you can.

You’re going to start college & your life is going to explode in all the best ways; you’re going to love every minute of it (other than when you find out you’re lactose & gluten intolerant).

You’re going to date a guy for a long time & break up with him in a study room. Breakups suck regardless of the circumstance, but it’s crazy how good life gets after you start focusing on yourself again. Just ride it through & soak up every moment.

Eventually, someone else is going to break your heart. I don’t really know how else to say it, but it’s going to hurt & the only thing that will make it better is time (not other boys) (& not alcohol). You’ll learn a lot about yourself, but you’re going to question God’s role in all of it quite a bit. For a while, actually.

Wait, I forgot to mention that you’re gonna be Christian & people are going to refer to you as “Jesus girl”. It’s not as repulsive as it seems & it won’t bother you. There are worse things to be known by! You’re going to change your atheist mind about everything. Trust me, Jesus will change everything. Julia is going to start a bible study & it’ll all click. So many of the best people you meet & coolest opportunities you get are because of your faith.

Long story short, it’s gonna get better. It’s about to get a lot worse, but it gets so much better after that. the panic attacks stop, the migraines go away, & getting out of bed stops feeling like a chore. You’re going to get some cool jobs, take interesting classes, & travel a lot. You’re going to achieve virtually every goal you set for yourself & you might have a hard time conceptualizing your accomplishments, but you’d be proud of who you become. Yes, you’ll have bad days, but way more good days than not. You’re gonna meet your absolute best friends & you’re gonna be happy. Not fake happy. Real, actual, genuine happiness.

I know it sucks when people say “it gets better” because it doesn’t change the present, but it does. It gets better. You’ll join new clubs, people will say things so nice about you that you’ll cry on multiple occasions, & you’ll ultimately be grateful for every moment that helped shape you—the good & the bad. You’re gonna see so many of your favorite bands live, finally get tattoos, & get a few new piercings. So many of your favorite albums haven’t even come out yet...you’re gonna love them. Just wait.

Finally...you’re going to go to a Jonas Brothers concert again & sob the entire time because you’ll realize no matter how much you achieve in life, your biggest accomplishment will always be surviving when you didn’t think you could. Be patient. It’s worth it.